Anonymous asked:

Do you talk to a lot if girls?

No. My mom said I can’t talk to girls bc they have cooties, it’s a deadly disease that could apparently kill my vulnerable 20 year old boy body. I only talk to my mom. She said she’s immune. So I trust her judgment.

I need to get away man. You know? So I can forget shit, and start a new. I think I owe it to myself, because I think I’ve been through plenty. Something’s I don’t necessarily believe I should’ve experienced because it was never good for me in the long run. I’ve wasted enough time with the most irrelevant things, it’s time to start a new. Regain what I’ve lost, a part of me included, and try to better what I consider a misfortunate situation, and turn it into a positive. I’m here in the now and present. I will make the best of it, and take advantage of what’s been presented to me. Things will be better, I will be greater. —Ima make it go my way, make it happen, making something out of nothing.

The thing is, you should be the least of my problems/concerns, because I’m in the process of starting my life over. I’m trying to moderate my spending, considering I have an apartment that I’m saving up for with someone, I’m also working on getting a new job settled, and here I am, writing about you. You’re what’s currently occupying my fucking my mind. Stupid because even now, I can’t help but put you first. Old habits never die, and I guess I can never learn from my mistakes. What is it with you, that still continues to linger in my thoughts? I would say I wish I could flush you out, but you meant so much to me, at a time when you played the biggest role in contributing to making what once was a better me. I can’t just let that go.

I said to myself that one day I would prove to you I would be happy without you. I’m doing just that, and now I feel like the asshole. There’s no winning with you. I just want to be fucking happy, and feel content with my life again. Can’t you spare me that, don’t you think I’ve already gone through enough trying to recover from you? You just know the right things to say to make me crumble. I give up. You win. Fuck. I’m so fucking annoyed. I hate you for being the indecisive one to begin with. Shit would’ve never been complicated, had you known what you wanted from the start. I’m beyond tired and over all of this. Damn can’t I live or what?

Blah

3 in the morning and I can’t sleep because the thought of you. I fucking hate you. You make it seem as if what I’m doing is all wrong. I’m just trying to move on with my life. Isn’t that what you wanted me to do in the beginning since we ended things? I’m finally doing just that, and you’re making me feel bad. That’s the result of me taking consideration of your feelings. So fuck you. It’s not like you ever did the same for me. Why are you trying to give off this impression as if I actually do something for you, when we talk? Really do you find comfort in all of that?As if it actually moves you in anyway [I don’t believe so] Back then, I felt nothing but a filler, someone to occupy your time, when no one else was hitting you up. A side piece. Now here you are, talking about how I give you some sort of comfort, and yet the thought that I have the least interests in our conversations bothers you. What was that? A waste of your time and mine? Naw, that’s exactly how I felt when I use to hit you up. Remember when I use to go out of my way for you? Just to try and engage in what brief conversation I could get from you, but you were always preoccupied with something? I use to care so much back then, I did what I could to try to cling on, but I always fell on deaf ears. I gave up long ago. So I hope you aren’t surprise that I’m supposedly “different”. It isn’t even like that, who was better at teaching me to not give a fuck at some point than you? The homie hit me up and said that you had posted up that picture of the flowers I sent you, back when I was still living in sd. To be honest, it felt bittersweet hearing that. Despite the fact he mentioned you had deleted it a second after. You do care to some extent. Now if only you cared, when I was trying so hard to fight for your attention. I’m tired. Things could’ve been different.

Vent

Don’t talk about “change” when you were the one who cut me off, and it was you who started to become different when you decided to end things. Remember? You never were content with our relationship from the get go, and as soon as I left, you started talking to him again [as expected] I didn’t trip did I? I let it go because what was I suppose to do? You were far from me, and I didn’t play that significant role in your life anymore to even have a say in what did in your life. Who was I to intervene? Regardless, you knew how I felt about you still [at that time] I tried to remain patient. Hopeful that you’d eventually come around, wanting to fix things. It was the same response, you wanted nothing to do with rebuilding our relationship. You wanted to focus on yourself, and I finally gave into allowing you to have that opportunity without disturbance from me. All while I remained depressed and unhappy for months after I came home. Eventually over time I became oblivious to it because I was so numb. I poured whatever effort I could muster day in, day out. Reminding you how much that I missed you, and wanted you back. I looked pathetic, weak, vulnerable. It was never enough. My efforts were always left unnoticed. Fuck did I look like a dumb ass for moping over you. So yes of course it does seem like I am more care free about whether you call me or not, or whether you decide not to talk to me anymore. I’ve put in more time into you, than what you credit me for. Now you’re talking about how I’ve changed, and how different I’ve become, as if you were so dramatically affected. Do you really give a shit what I do nowadays? I feel like you’re now only giving me all of this attention because I quit giving you mine. I hope you know how I felt. I don’t express it anymore, because I stopped going out of my way for you, but regardless I still have something there for you. I guess it’s better this way. I’m just trying to get my life together, without you present. If you only you showed me the same effort, you have been nowadays from the start. Maybe things could’ve been different, maybe I would’ve never became so cold from you.

I’ve done my fair share of fucked up things, looking back I was an asshole for it. I regret all of it because I put so many things into jeopardy. Relationships with people that I either cared about, and vice versa. Regardless if I still think about certain things like that, I know full well when it’s a little late for apologies, and asking for do overs. I’ll live with it.

Tanget

Straight up. I do not give a fuck about “respecting your elders”. I don’t care how much older you are than me. If I feel like I’m not getting respect from you, what makes you think I’m just going to give you mine? Why, because of your age? I don’t care who you are. Naw that shit don’t fly with me. You gotta give respect to earn it. This old school tradition shouldn’t always be enforced on the younger generation, the old heads were obvious raised in different time frame from us, so expectations were much different. That’s just how I see it anyways.

I hate stubborn ass people, granted I can be just as stubborn on occasion, but if it’s any consolation. I’ve been trying to grow from my experiences, to help shape into being better, and actually taking things into consideration.